Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding.
My husband and I have a delightful, inquisitive 4-year-old daughter, “Bree,” who has a nut allergy. We have been able to manage this fairly well, but the problem is my in-laws. They were careless about nuts to the point that we had to stop coming over to their place. My father-in-law keeps a bowl of peanuts or trail mix on the end table next to the couch, and never remembered to remove them before we arrived for a visit. Even worse, my mother-in-law believes Bree’s allergy is something she will outgrow over time and even thinks she can be “cured” if she is exposed to nuts in small doses, because she read about people overcoming allergies through exposure therapy on the internet. After Bree nearly ate some peanut butter M&M’s my FIL forgot to put away on our last visit to my in-laws’ place I put my foot down. I said until they were willing to take my daughter’s safety more seriously, we would not be coming over to their house. My husband grumbled that he thought I was overreacting, but went along with it. My in-laws were very chilly for a couple of weeks, but eventually agreed to the new arrangement.
I thought we had resolved the problem, but I was wrong. When my in-laws visited our home last month, I left Bree watching TV with her grandmother while I went to check the mail. I came back to find my MIL in a panic, my FIL on the phone with 911, and Bree on the floor nearly purple and gasping …
I realized she was having an allergic reaction and immediately gave her a shot with the EpiPen I carry with me at all times. Within several heart-stopping minutes Bree was breathing better. The EMTs came and took her to the hospital in an ambulance while we followed behind.
While we were waiting for the doctors to update us at the hospital, my MIL told me she had given Bree a small piece of a Snickers bar. She said she thought Bree could overcome her nut allergy if she ate a little each day. My husband had to practically hold me back. I shouted at her that she had nearly killed my daughter and as far as I was concerned, we were done with both her and my FIL. My MIL huffed that she was only trying to make it so Bree could have a normal life and stalked out of the hospital with her husband on her heels.
It’s been over a month now, and my husband has been trying to facilitate a reconciliation between us. He acknowledges that what his mother did was wrong and dangerous, but still tries to defend her by saying “that’s how she is,” and pointing out that she never intended to harm Bree. I have told him that I will never be able to trust his parents around our daughter again. His mother hasn’t even so much as apologized. He thinks I am being too harsh and am taking this too far. Please tell me I’m not.
—Am I Nuts?
Dear Nuts,
No, you are neither being too harsh nor taking this too far. You made it abundantly clear to your in-laws what the rules were regarding your daughter and her allergies. Because they read too much online baloney and like to imagine they know better than anyone else, they broke them on purpose, put her life at risk, and don’t even seem to feel that bad about it. They suck! You are right and he is wrong. I hope this makes you feel better.
But it does you no good to feel better now and still have your husband claiming you’re overreacting, even in the aftermath of your child nearly dropping dead. It does you no good to be the lone voice in the wilderness. You need him on your side.
It’s possible that he finds your daughter’s nut allergy so frightening—and it is frightening!—that he’s desperate to grasp at any straw that suggests she might “get over it.” Combine that with an unwillingness to confront his parents, and you might have a dad who’s feeling just torn enough not to know how to handle this mess. Sit down with your husband and explain exactly how you feel about what his parents did, and how you feel about how he is not supporting you—or, honestly, even protecting his own daughter. Feel free to wave a printout of this advice column to help make your case.
Maybe, down the line, you’ll decide together to reintroduce his parents into their granddaughter’s life. (I know it feels like you never will want to, but there are such wonderful rewards for a child in having a relationship with even totally objectionable grandparents.) If so, there will be conditions, and whatever those conditions are, he’d better be on board for conveying them, in no uncertain terms, to his amateur-immunologist parents—and making clear to them that there will be no divergence from those rules.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I inherited a three-bedroom house from a relative. I work full time and my wife works two part-time jobs, but we still struggle to make ends meet. Our 15-year-old son has his own room, but our 13-year-old daughter shares with her twin 10-year-old sisters. They have the biggest bedroom. There isn’t anything we can do about it. We can’t afford to move unless it is out of state, and renovations are out of our budget.
Our 13-year-old is best friends with several girls from affluent families—the types of families where kids get new cars when they turn 18 and parents think nothing of dropping hundreds of dollars on their whims. It is negatively affecting our daughter’s view of the world. She hates that we never go on “real” vacations or she doesn’t get new clothes all the time. She especially hates sharing a room with her sisters. She picks fights with them, has thrown things at them, and even locked them out of the room. I had to take the lock off after the third incident. My wife and I have tried to explain the reality of things to her and given her extra choices after her outbursts. Nothing seems to stick, because she is back hanging out with her friends and seeing how they live.
The breaking point came when the mother of one of her friends told us about a “silly thing” that happen at the mall. The girls were daring each other to shoplift and got caught. They had more than two grand worth of items between them and the mall was about to call the police. The mother paid for everything, and told us not to think anything about it.
We grounded our daughter for two weeks and forbid her from seeing her friends, but she still sees them at school. It isn’t working. She has gotten even more defiant and insulted her mother—saying she is embarrassed to be seen with her and that she should call the cops on us for “abusing” her. Our twins have started sleeping with us because they don’t want to be around their sister. My wife and I are at the end of our rope here. Can you help?
—No Money, More Problems
Dear Money,
Arrgh, wealthy schoolmates who convince kids that being rich is normal are the worst. You’re discussing two separate problems in your letter, and while you’re right to believe that they’re related—your daughter treats her sisters badly at least in part due to resentment she feels about what she views as her straitened circumstances—I’m not sure they necessarily have the same solution.
It’s indisputably challenging for a 13-year-old—just hitting puberty—to share a room, no matter how big, with two 10-year-olds. (That is to say, even a kid who was not taking her cues from her spoiled friends would feel some legitimate annoyance at that state of affairs.) Is there a basement space you could carve out for anyone? An outbuilding that could be converted? Could your 15-year-old take a couple of months in the “big room,” so your daughter feels that you’re making an effort to make things more equitable? Can the big room be subdivided, even with something as simple as one of those free-standing screens behind which Hollywood sirens once changed their clothes—and can rules be instituted that keep the 10-year-olds out of her space? Even if there is nothing to be done about way space is allocated, perhaps you could institute a plan that gives her some scheduled, guaranteed alone time in the shared room. Your goal should be to combine a good-faith gesture demonstrating that you understand her frustration with a draconian zero-tolerance policy for mistreating her younger sisters—with very clear consequences for violations.
The grander issue, your daughter’s belief that you are poor and that being poor is bad, is more challenging and, I think, more important. Toxic ideas like this can be hard to shake. My guess is that sometime in her 20s she’ll realize what a jerk she was in her teen years, but you’d reasonably prefer not to wait that long. I might suggest greater transparency with her about your family’s finances—radical transparency, in fact, explaining exactly how much you and your wife make, sitting her down with your monthly budget, and challenging her to understand how finances work for families in the real world. I’d urge you to incorporate regular service work into your lives, through a local church or other civic organization, both because it is a worthwhile way to spend your time and to remind your daughter that your circumstances, odious though she may find them, are in fact fairly comfortable by the world’s standards. I’d suggest that she get herself a job as soon as possible, which will profitably occupy some of her time (and give her a little more cash in pocket). And I know that no one who’s working hard to scrape by wants to hear a suggestion that requires spending more money, but if you can find a family therapist that takes your insurance, it might really help to put you, your wife, and a daughter in a room with someone who can help untangle everyone’s hard feelings.
And finally: What if you did move? Leaving your daughter’s bad attitude aside, are you happy living in a community where high-school seniors are driving around brand-new Jeeps, and parents are dishing out thousands to get their kids out of trouble? The house you inherited was once a great boon, but it’s clear that in some ways it’s trapped you. What if you sold it and moved, yes, to another state—another country—anywhere that is more in tune with the values you hold and the life you want your family to lead?
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 16-month-old daughter. My husband of 10 years (her father) and I are getting divorced, very amicably. I was already stressed about the impact of this event on her life, but I now am moving back to my home town (with a great job offer), which is about a 5-hour drive away from her dad. My entire family (parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins) all live close to my hometown, as do my best friends and their young families. I have wanted to move back for years and this was part of the reason for our divorce (my husband was not interested in moving there). My daughter will see her dad one full week a month plus another weekend, but that plan will obviously change when she starts school. Will she be OK? What can I do to make her childhood happy and secure?
—I Don’t Want to Ruin Her for Life!
Dear Ruin,
Will the intricacies of this custody arrangement create bother and stress for you? Almost certainly yes. It will be a pain to do all that driving, and you’re right that as she gets older, things will get more complicated. (I could see her eventually spending summers with her dad, which you might find delightful—freedom!—or, possibly, torturous.)
But your daughter will be OK! Indeed, you seem to be setting her up for a wonderful childhood, a life full of extended family, close friends, and a mom who’s working a job she loves, in a town she loves (and not married to a guy she doesn’t). You sound like an engaged, caring mother who’s making sure to create a life for your family that will be full of affection. Maintain that amicable relationship with your ex, go the extra mile to make sure that he remains part of your daughter’s life, and make the most of the wonderful situation you’re creating for you and your child. You are doing great.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 9-year-old daughter has recently fallen head over heels for Minecraft, and could spend hours on her Nintendo Switch. Other areas of her life (school, socializing, family connections) aren’t suffering at all, so I’m not concerned, but I do have two questions: 1) She seems to still want to connect with me over Minecraft, but I find it a bit tedious to “sit and watch” her play. Do you have any resources I could check out to help me show interest in this interest of hers? And 2) I was never a gamer, and my husband only played occasionally. How can we support her in developing a healthy relationship to the console, especially in terms of eye strain, posture, time spent, etc.?
—Welcoming Steve to the Family
Dear Minecraft Mom,
It’s great that you’ve got such a positive outlook on the situation, and great too that your daughter is infatuated with among the least objectionable video games on earth. Minecraft is generally enjoyable, chill, and nontoxic—about as good a video game experience as a 9-year-old can hope to encounter.
Nevertheless, it is totally boring to sit around watching a kid play Minecraft, and I urge you not to feel as though you have to. If she has constructed something she loves, great, let her give you a brief tour. But her life is going to be filled with things she loves that are not your bag, and it is OK for Minecraft to be one of those things. Learn all about the game with this handy Common Sense Media guide; feel free to try it out and see if you enjoy it; but if you’re not interested, that’s fine! There are plenty of other ways for you two to connect.
As for supporting her: Establish and stick to time limits; set a hard stop to her evening play so that she’s not playing right before bed; don’t let her keep the Switch in her room, especially at night. If she’s playing multiplayer, check in on her settings every once in a while. Buy her a bunch of David Macauley books and cross your fingers she grows up to be a happy, wealthy structural engineer who loves doing home repairs for her parents.
—Dan
