Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I had twin daughters, “Caroline” and “Mariah”. They were always very close, and even though most twins seem to grow out of “twin language” they never really did. Caroline died suddenly and unexpectedly last year, at 17. I don’t have any words to describe how brutal it felt and feels, for all of us.
My husband and I are in pain, but Mariah seems to be completely consumed by it. She struggles at school and can’t seem to enjoy seeing friends or participate in her previous favorite things, like soccer. We have her in a grief group and on antidepressants but they don’t seem to be making a dent. We live in a rural area so we’re on a bunch of waiting lists for therapists that work with teens. In desperation, we even tried two that don’t take insurance. But they were both very bad fits.
Mariah went through the motions of college applications, and is starting to get acceptance letters, but I’m worried she’s not ready to handle this. When I asked her if she wanted to go, or defer, she said she didn’t care. The nearest local school is three hours away, or I’d suggest she try it while living at home. I don’t want her to feel stuck here in memories while her friends and classmates move on, but both my husband and I are worried that she’s too fragile right now. How do we figure out how to parent her through this?
—Grieving
Dear Grieving,
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Such a thing is unfathomable, and I am so sorry for what your family is going through.
For Mariah: have you considered looking for a therapist who can Zoom with your daughter? I know it doesn’t sound ideal, but it can work. Lots of us were forced to do therapy over Zoom during the pandemic, and I can tell you from experience that it can be great. I still see my therapist over Zoom because she moved to London. I know how hard it is to find therapists for kids and teenagers; there are not enough to meet the need, especially in rural areas. But do not let location be an obstacle. It’s too important. They also may be able to recommend some other options—like support groups—in your area, or online.
I also wonder if meeting with a therapist as a family would help break down some of the communication barriers it sounds like you all are encountering as you navigate grief, but also the future. It’s incredible to me that Mariah applied to college, and it’s wonderful that she’s getting accepted. But it sounds like she is indifferent, which is unsettling. Your anxiety and fear around her moving away is completely understandable; at the same time, maybe the leap to college and independence will turn out to be exactly what she needs to keep her life moving forward. It will be impossible to know until she is living it. If she could make the transition with support from a therapist, I think it would settle some of your fears, and hopefully help her find a way forward, too.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been married for 14 years. It’s an arranged marriage and I have tried my best to make it work. In the initial years, my husband was affectionate and gave me attention, however we were living apart at the time, as I was still at university. But when we started living together, I realized I did not have an emotional bond with my husband.
We have a daughter who is now 10 years old. My husband is a doting father, and my daughter loves her dad to the moon and back. But I have been very dissatisfied and deeply unhappy in the relationship. There is no physical or emotional intimacy between us. When we’re by ourselves, our conversations are about our daughter or tediums of daily life—or else we are silent. I have a very stressful job and I get little support from him in terms of household work.
He is very self centered and can be a bit egomaniacal. I feel no control over my finances and haven’t been able to lead the (mildly) luxurious life that I always wanted to have. We made a move to a new country as he was deeply unhappy with his old job in my native country. In this new environment, I feel like a complete alien and my mental and physical health has rapidly deteriorated.
I am now living separately from him. Our daughter bounces between our houses. It breaks my heart, and equally makes me depressed about the situation. I do not miss being with my husband, but I am suffering from severe anxiety and depression as it is still early days for me. I am scared about the future for my daughter, and for myself as well. I want to move back home to be closer to my family who are my best support system right now. But I do not know if my husband would want to move back—and my daughter would be absolutely devastated if we moved without her dad.
Each time I think of staying here, anxiety sets off. I feel like the worst mother in the world for putting my child through all this. But I know I cannot sign myself up for a lifetime of misery.
—Mum in distress
Dear Mum,
Ok, first off: Your daughter is going to be absolutely fine. Kids are unfathomably resilient, and as long as you and your husband are each focused on her and her needs and feelings when she is with you, she’s gonna be ok. I can tell you this from experience: My daughter has split time between me and her dad since she was 7 (she’s 12 now). She actually embraces the differences between her homes now, and relishes the individual time she has with each of us. So it’s ok: don’t make yourself feel so guilty about this aspect of your situation.
Now, as for you. It sounds like this separation is in its early days. You need to take some real time—I mean like a year or two—to get acclimated to your new reality before you should make any big decisions. I was reading a newsletter about recovery this morning, and there was an interview with a woman who has been sober for 38 years. She talked about following advice she got in AA about not getting in a romantic or sexual relationship for two years after getting sober. When it comes to separating or ending a marriage, I do think that it’s important to take some serious time to get to know yourself again and sort out who you want to be—as a parent and as a person.
Use the time when your daughter is with her dad to find a therapist and get some support for your anxiety and depression. (And by the way: if you are worried about your daughter, you could find her a therapist too. I did and it was useful for the transition period.) As you start to feel less anxiety and guilt about your situation—both of which are very understandable!—you can start getting a handle on your finances and your future. I don’t know what your relationship is like right now with your husband, but you can slowly sort that out too. What you are feeling now will change in a month, three months, a year. I promise. And then you can decide where you want to be, and what is best for you and your daughter. It may surprise you where you end up wanting to be.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two daughters, ages 15 and 17. Since infancy, neither has been an eager eater, and meals have always been a difficult balance of trying to encourage variety but also get them enough calories. I muscled through, although I dreaded meal planning and lost all of my love for cooking.
Now they are at a more independent age where we often don’t eat meals together because we aren’t on the same schedule. They often won’t eat all day. For example, currently it’s one in the afternoon and one has eaten nothing. The other ate some blueberries and cheese stick. This is typical. There’s plenty of food in the house and we always ask them what they want when we go to the grocery store.
We have tried making lists of foods they like to help them figure out what to eat. We have tried making portioned leftovers. I thought when they were teenagers they would have huge appetites and this frustration would pass. Instead, it’s gotten worse because I feel like I’m monitoring their eating ALL THE TIME. I don’t think this is an eating disorder situation—they just hate food and they hate any kind of independent food prep. They will both binge sweets when available, and eat a normal amount of dinner if we sit together. What should I do here?
—No Business at Mom’s Restaurant
Dear No Business,
My honest advice for you is: Let it go. You say it’s not an eating disorder situation, and surely you are getting them to the doctor annually. If your pediatrician isn’t flagging a problem for you, then this is really about you figuring out how to not be so focused on an issue that is more of an annoyance than a genuine problem. Your daughters sound busy and active; if they’ve got the energy to do what they need to do, then they are ok.
Still, I am sympathetic. My daughter has been a picky eater for forever. I nearly wept when she ordered shrimp and grits at a restaurant the other week, and didn’t just go straight for pasta with butter.
Your daughters may well change their minds about food when it becomes socially important, and more of their relationships revolve around food, which inevitably happens to all of us. I certainly hope this is the case with my kid! In the meantime, maybe you can find a few more opportunities to have meals together, since your daughters seem to eat well at the table with you. What about a beautiful weekend family brunch? A new ritual may help you find some joy in cooking again. You can nourish your kids and yourself at the same time.
—Hillary
