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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m at a loss over what to do about my mother. For my whole life, nothing has ever been a secret. If I messed up in any way, my whole extended family would hear about it and then would lecture me even after my parents had. This went the other way as well: Anything good I did, I’d hear from them about as well. It was exhausting. Many, many times over the years, I’ve asked my mom to stop sharing information. She has not stopped. In fact, it has gotten worse.
It’s not just my aunts anymore. It’s her group of about 10 girlfriends (some of whom I’ve never met or met just in passing). It’s her hairdresser. Sometimes it feels like the stranger on the street. This has now come to a head.
I recently started on some medication for diabetes. It isn’t a semaglutide like Ozempic or anything like that. It is an older medication, though I have lost some significant weight on it. I have asked my mom not to share my health information with anyone, or at least to ask me first before telling people anything. But now the first thing she says when she sees me is how thin I look (there are some body shame/body dysphoric issues that I have absorbed from her), and then she tells everyone in the room (pretty much literally everyone, as in saying it loudly in a restaurant once) how I’m on Ozempic—even though I have told her that I’m not. She knows I don’t want her to talk about my health issues! But she says she is just happy for me, and wants others to be as well. How do I either talk to her about this (again) or accept that this is just something I’m going to have to live with?
—I Just Want Some Things to be Between Mother and Daughter!
Dear I Just Want,
There doesn’t seem to be a way for you to talk to her about this again that will make any difference. She knows how you feel. She will not (or perhaps cannot?) change her behavior. So don’t waste your breath. And for heaven’s sake, this is not something you have to live with!
The solution to your problem is simple. Stop telling her anything.
Don’t tell her you’re on a new medication. Don’t tell her you’ve been diagnosed with a condition. For that matter, if you dislike her sharing your news, good or bad—a promotion at work, a new relationship that makes you happy … or a professional disappointment or a breakup—keep it to yourself. I recognize that you want to be able to tell your mother everything. But you can’t. Not if you want it to remain between the two of you, because that is something she has made clear she either doesn’t understand, doesn’t respect, or is unable to manage. Find someone else to confide in—move on from your mother. (And I’m not promising anything, but there’s a chance she’ll finally get the message if there’s an information desert: If she asks why your conversations with her have devolved to small talk, you can tell her. Maybe that will help.)
But my message to you is: Change what you do. Don’t expect her—or anybody—to change for you. (I should probably have something like that emblazoned on t-shirts and bumper stickers.)
—Michelle
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