Whether you are halfway through as a parent of a teen or just over two weeks in if your child is in primary school, there is a lot of school holiday left yet to fill.
We speak to three therapists who share tips for making the most of the summer break.
Focus on creating happy memories
Summer can mean a lack of structure, which can be challenging for parents, particularly around childcare and keeping children entertained, says psychotherapist Anne McCormack.
She urges parents, however, to see it as an opportunity for family life to be experienced differently without the constraints of homework and getting up early for school: “If parents, even for some of the time, can try to be enthusiastic about doing things at a different pace, even embrace it, this can create the context for happy memories for the child.
“Think about what you might like to get from the summer, for example: time with your child, going for walks with them, having more time to chat.”
Maintain structure and routine
Routine grounds us, says Christopher Place, counsellor and psychotherapist: “There’s an amount of research showing the value of structure and routine for children. It’s very beneficial for their emotional, social and cognitive development.”
Children with a regular routine, he says, tend to have better emotional regulation and fewer behavioural problems: “Routine gives a sense of security and predictability, which reduces stress and anxiety.”
While it is good to have a bit of flexibility and spontaneity — ‘let’s go to the beach’, ‘let’s have a lie-in tomorrow’ — it is not helpful to leave children with long stretches of boundless free time, says Place, who recommends having a mix of activity.
“Have a daily routine of outdoor play, educational games, creative projects, even quiet time, but where there’s a schedule. It helps children to know what to expect — this consistency creates a sense of safety.”
Buy a raincoat
No matter the weather, get outside, advises Place: “Being outdoors can burn off energy and promote overall wellbeing. Go for nice walks together, on the beach, in the forest, wherever you live. Make it an adventure. Pack a flask and a picnic. Get the football, go to a pitch, have a kick-around.”
Outdoors, he says, children get to express themselves and play with the physical environment: “They get to engage with the world around them. And if other children are involved and they play games, they’re emotionally and socially engaged.”
Be creative together
Develop a family project or challenge, suggests Place.
One possibility, he says, is a family cookbook: “Make it not like a chore, but fun and engaging. Chat with the kids about how each week during the summer holidays: ‘We’ll work on a family recipe and cook it together, and then we’ll compile it in a cookbook’. Today it could be spaghetti bolognese, next week oatcakes. Such a project gives children the experience of being in a team. They get to think of food in a different way. It provides us all with a sense of accomplishment and keeps us motivated.”
Manage expectations
As parents, work out your expectations of your children for the summer break and communicate together about these, advises McCormack: “It’s important to be specific about expectations, whether around technology use, bedtimes, or — if you’re the parent of a teen — how much time they spend in the house with family compared to outside the house with friends.”
Would you like your teenager to make dinner for the family once a week, or a younger child to tidy up their room every week? McCormack recommends working these tasks out with your partner in advance: “You can then have the conversation with your child. They may have different expectations, which is fine, but at least you’re clear about what yours are.”
Communicate with your child
When young people are asked to meet parents’ expectations, it is a good opportunity to give them positive feedback, says McCormack: “If an older child is expected to look after a younger sibling because it might make family life easier for all, give them feedback about how helpful it is for the family, how much you appreciate it, and how by doing it, they’re showing kindness to their sibling.”
McCormack advises parents to be mindful of peers’ important role in a teenager’s life: “Teens need to work themselves out. They get feedback from peers on who they are. So if young people are resistant to doing chores, and just want to be on their phone or out with friends — it is important parents understand this isn’t them being selfish, but part of working out who they are in the world.”
But this does not mean that parents can’t have expectations of teens, she says: “It means being more understanding in how you communicate — ‘I really understand you want to see your friends and you think that painting the garden shed will take the whole week, but if you do two hours in the mornings, we can support you to see your friends in the afternoons.”
The two-week break away is for everybody, including parents
Whether you are off to Killybegs or Crete, Dr Ray O’Neill, assistant professor in psychotherapy at DCU, says every family member’s voice needs to be heard about what they’d like from this break.
“Part of the excitement of a holiday is the planning.
“Once the family holiday is agreed upon, each family member, including the parents, writes down one thing they’d like to do on the holiday and puts in a request for that. It could be ‘one day, I want to sit beside the pool the whole time’, or ‘I want to go to a museum’.
“The family intention then is that everybody tries to accommodate the wish of each. So everybody gets the sense of contributing to everyone else’s holiday.”
And if someone is bored by an activity? “In every relationship there’s give and take: ‘Today we’re all going to the gallery because that’s what Joanne would like, tomorrow we’re going to the aquarium because that’s what you’d like to do’.”
Be transparent about your budget
O’Neill believes it is important to say to children, ‘The holiday is costing €2,000, so we really only have a budget for… this means we can’t hire a boat every day’.
He recommends encouraging children to invest in the holiday — put their pocket money aside, do a couple of extra jobs.
“It’s good to empower children to manage their budget. And the holiday shouldn’t be a source of stress where the parent is thinking, ‘Oh God, we just bought another meal. How will we afford tomorrow’s activity?’”
Create space for family sub-groups and individual activities
“Sometimes it’s nice for Dad to take Jack off on his own to play crazy golf, or Joanne loves Lego and nobody else does, so Mum takes her to the Lego fair,” says O’Neill, who also recommends parents go for a night out, a meal together, without the kids, or each partner takes space for some ‘me time’.
“As long as everything’s communicated in advance, no one is blindsided. Teenagers can rail against ‘all the family going to the beach or off for an ice-cream’. And it can be exhausting. So say, ‘There are things we’ve agreed to do as a family, and after that, there can be opt-outs’, particularly to teenagers, who can mind themselves or each other.”
Check in with your children
McCormack recommends asking our children ‘how do you feel things are going for you this summer?’
“Ask if they had any goals at the beginning of the summer, anything they wanted to do — it could be to read a certain book or go jogging. Ask, ‘Is there anything you’d like to do in the time that’s left?’”
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