Nineties pop sensation Raageshwari was at the peak of her singing-acting career in 2000 when Bell’s Palsy left half her face paralysed and her voice slurred. She used yoga and meditation to recover and started a new life as a mindfulness speaker and life coach. The 48-year-old, who moved to London after marrying human rights lawyer Sudhanshu Swaroop, spoke to Neha Bhayana about her eight-year-old daughter Samaya, and the joys of doing nothing.
Doctors had told you that you can’t conceive naturally but you did. Tell us about your journey.
I got married at 39. I had endometriosis and a retroverted uterus. I was told I will not have babies naturally. When I was introduced to my husband, I told him this, but he said he would not change his mind about marrying me because of a medical report. That was the time for me to really practise what I preached about the mind being the last frontier. So, I looked upon Mother Earth, I did my Tibetan rites and made a vision board of 100 babies. I spent time with all my friends who have babies. I spent time in the midst of nature. And, the baby just showed up naturally. I joke with my husband that it has little to do with him. Besides, we were away so I did not have the stress of relatives constantly reminding me that I am 40. One must never ask anyone about marriage or children because people have their journeys. As a life coach, I have realised that often when people say they don’t want to be married or don’t want kids, it is a defence mechanism. Why do we need to constantly explain to people that we are looking for the right partner or waiting for that miracle baby? Men go through this as well. There are enough men who are struggling to be fathers and it is a tough journey for them.
You have written a book on mindful parenting. How can one practise it?
Mindful parenting has got little to do with the children, and more to do with you being a happy, fulfilled parent. Children are very sharp. If a mother is not spending time with her kids, and partying instead — this is absolutely her choice and she’s free to do that — the children observe that and they crave for her time. But, at the same time, if the mother is really stressed with work and comes back home and spends a little time, the child will not complain. Scientific research also tells us that a mother and father don’t need beyond 15 to 20 minutes per day of being present with their child. To practise mindful parenting, you have to simplify life, spend more time and less money. It is important to be patient with yourself and with children. That’s the biggest attribute we’re missing today. We’re all in such a hurry. We’re not gifting ourselves the time to not do anything. And we’re also not gifting our children the time to not do anything. Being bored is the fountainhead for creative ideas. I don’t plan anything for Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings. Samaya just walks in the park, spends time with horses, plays with her pet dog Lucky or lies down on the grass to read a book.
It is important to not overschedule our lives. Do things that matter most to you. Make sure that you enjoy the significant thing that you’re working hard for, which is food. Samaya and I are at the breakfast table every morning. We eat, we listen to music, we chat, I do her hair and we also watch BBC news for children.
What’s the best parenting advice you’ve received?
I received the best advice from my mother. She told me we should have zero ego with children. It was so difficult, but she had no ego with me. She let go of so many of my faults, the times when I would question her and the times when I would be sharp. Now at the age of 48, I have such a strong bond with her. That’s what I want for my daughter too because you need that one person to allow you that space to just be, to say, “It is fine. I am here no matter what”. When you are ego-free, a child has that safe haven.
Give us an example of a situation where you have not let ego come in the way?
That happens all the time. For example, if I tell Samaya to not wear a certain crop top, I get a really sharp answer back. I have to swallow my pride and say, ‘Okay, let’s not wear that to the temple or in the church or with elders. You can wear that when we go to the park.” I think for every little aspect in life, you have to keep the ego aside. See how kids sometimes talk to you in front of their friends. You are relegated in a way. You are someone who cooks and cleans. But that’s okay. That’s what children need. My daughter went to the same school as Princess Charlotte in London. I would see Princess Kate drive her children around. I would never see a nanny with them. She would pick up Charlotte and then take the kids to the park in the evening. Samaya and Charlotte would play. Children don’t really care whether you’re a princess or a queen or a superstar or an actor. They just want a mother who’s going to organise play dates for them, give them great food, and be there at all times, letting go of ego. But, of course, there have to be some boundaries. My boundaries are that you should always be kind, respectful and safe. Samaya knows that she has to respect her mom and that she should not speak rudely or harshly. But I cannot get her to wear what I think is right. And, she’s a daredevil. She likes things which are fast and furious. She loves skating and swimming. Once she is a teenager, it’ll be much tougher, so I am gearing up.
The incidence of depression and anxiety among children has been rising. How do we tackle this?
The simplest cure would be to return to innocence, become farmers and lead a very basic life, but that’s not doable. What we can do is to simplify our life. Keep children away from technology as much as possible; make them spend time with nature. You will see the difference in 24 hours. We should find green spots nearby and plan picnics with our kids. Nature heals, and even parents will start to feel great because we are living under stress. We are making more money but it’s still not enough because we have other friends who are making even more. Our children are capturing and magnifying the stress and emotions we go through.
Should children meditate?
It’s so sad that people in the West are meditating more than Indians. We simply ring the temple bell, say ‘bhagwanji mujhe ye de do’ and off we go. Meditation helps one have a beautiful relationship with oneself and it can help kids deal with bullying, failure and low self-esteem. But you also have to tell them the science behind meditation — tell them that our brain thinks in pictures and that the pictures that you see come true. If taught correctly, they will be addicted. Samaya meditates every day. Recently, she said, “Mommy, this friend is not nice to me, so I am going to meditate that she is nice to me.” So, you see, she is using mind power. I think that’s brilliant. That’s an anchor for life that she has.
How does one teach kids to meditate?
Meditation is not just done with closed eyes. It is really about reflecting on one’s day. Spend time with the child just before they’re sleeping and ask them about how their day went. Usually, we tend to focus on everything that went wrong. That’s the vibe these days. So, for example, when Samaya has told me about her day, I ask her to replay the day and focus on what went right. She would struggle and think and say, “Oh yes, we got to the bus on time. We walked and we did not feel tired. There was that stranger who smiled at me…” We teach the child to focus on what’s positive. Now, we can ask the child to think of someone or something that makes them really happy. It could be a puppy. It could be flowers. It could be dad’s hug. Now, we can say, close your eyes and imagine the flower. Can you hear it, touch it, smell it? If she says yes, mommy, I can, there you go. Now your child is introduced to that idea. And then you can go deeper and tell her that we can meditate about things that have happened which make us happy. We can also meditate about things that we want in our life.
Is your husband a hands-on dad?
He is a very calm and encouraging father. He would love to believe he’s a hands-on dad, but he is quite busy. I have to remind him sometimes. I lovingly say, “It would be nice if you take Lucky (their pet dog) for a walk” or “It would be nice if you clear up the kitchen.” I never act like he better do this, because marriage is really all about expressing oneself with love and respect. The beauty of our partnership is that we both respect each other deeply. The greatest thing you could do for your child is to love and respect your spouse. A child always thinks of himself as half of mommy and half of daddy. So when you bring down your spouse, the child takes it personally.
You dealt with Bell’s Palsy and came out stronger. How can parents teach their children to face challenges?
We protect our children too much. Let them suffer. If your child is going through hardships in school, when they do not win an award, it is absolutely fine. That is a beautiful space for them to really understand resilience because the fire in the belly only comes when you’ve been through failure and suffering. And that fire in the belly is so important. We have privileged kids these days. When I was growing, I only saw my parents struggle and suffer and that really made me want to do so much more. Kids will also learn resilience by seeing your resilience. They will learn to be brave, if you are brave.
I’m very grateful for my facial paralysis. People may think it was such a breakdown in my life, but I look at it as a breakthrough. Most downfalls in your life are your breakthroughs. We tend to look at suffering in a very dramatic, negative way. But if you teach kids young, they see it differently. They will then look at suffering as miraculous mistakes and will never forget the lessons. Let them go through the tough times. For example, if somebody who’s older is being rough with Samaya, I tell her to go and talk to him or her and address it. I don’t go to that child and say, “Excuse me, did you say that to my daughter?” Be their silent supporter, give them the tools and let them fight their own battles.
What life lessons are you trying to teach Samaya?
I always tell her to use her talent at every step of the way to uplift others. My relatives laugh and say, “Do you want her to be Gandhi at the age of eight?” I say, “Yes, because intention will give you the results.” I believe you are not going to be happy with all the awards and accolades, but you’ll be really happy when you have a community where you’re uplifting others. As of now, Samaya is into plogging to clean trash from the streets (She was called by the House of Lords to speak about plogging).
Blurbs:
While picking up Samaya, I would see Princess Kate come to the school to pick up Charlotte and take the kids to the park. Children don’t care if you’re a princess or superstar. They just want a mother
We protect our children too much. Let them suffer through the tough times. The fire in the belly only comes when you’ve been through failure
Doctors had told you that you can’t conceive naturally but you did. Tell us about your journey.
I got married at 39. I had endometriosis and a retroverted uterus. I was told I will not have babies naturally. When I was introduced to my husband, I told him this, but he said he would not change his mind about marrying me because of a medical report. That was the time for me to really practise what I preached about the mind being the last frontier. So, I looked upon Mother Earth, I did my Tibetan rites and made a vision board of 100 babies. I spent time with all my friends who have babies. I spent time in the midst of nature. And, the baby just showed up naturally. I joke with my husband that it has little to do with him. Besides, we were away so I did not have the stress of relatives constantly reminding me that I am 40. One must never ask anyone about marriage or children because people have their journeys. As a life coach, I have realised that often when people say they don’t want to be married or don’t want kids, it is a defence mechanism. Why do we need to constantly explain to people that we are looking for the right partner or waiting for that miracle baby? Men go through this as well. There are enough men who are struggling to be fathers and it is a tough journey for them.
You have written a book on mindful parenting. How can one practise it?
Mindful parenting has got little to do with the children, and more to do with you being a happy, fulfilled parent. Children are very sharp. If a mother is not spending time with her kids, and partying instead — this is absolutely her choice and she’s free to do that — the children observe that and they crave for her time. But, at the same time, if the mother is really stressed with work and comes back home and spends a little time, the child will not complain. Scientific research also tells us that a mother and father don’t need beyond 15 to 20 minutes per day of being present with their child. To practise mindful parenting, you have to simplify life, spend more time and less money. It is important to be patient with yourself and with children. That’s the biggest attribute we’re missing today. We’re all in such a hurry. We’re not gifting ourselves the time to not do anything. And we’re also not gifting our children the time to not do anything. Being bored is the fountainhead for creative ideas. I don’t plan anything for Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings. Samaya just walks in the park, spends time with horses, plays with her pet dog Lucky or lies down on the grass to read a book.
Expand
It is important to not overschedule our lives. Do things that matter most to you. Make sure that you enjoy the significant thing that you’re working hard for, which is food. Samaya and I are at the breakfast table every morning. We eat, we listen to music, we chat, I do her hair and we also watch BBC news for children.
What’s the best parenting advice you’ve received?
I received the best advice from my mother. She told me we should have zero ego with children. It was so difficult, but she had no ego with me. She let go of so many of my faults, the times when I would question her and the times when I would be sharp. Now at the age of 48, I have such a strong bond with her. That’s what I want for my daughter too because you need that one person to allow you that space to just be, to say, “It is fine. I am here no matter what”. When you are ego-free, a child has that safe haven.
Give us an example of a situation where you have not let ego come in the way?
That happens all the time. For example, if I tell Samaya to not wear a certain crop top, I get a really sharp answer back. I have to swallow my pride and say, ‘Okay, let’s not wear that to the temple or in the church or with elders. You can wear that when we go to the park.” I think for every little aspect in life, you have to keep the ego aside. See how kids sometimes talk to you in front of their friends. You are relegated in a way. You are someone who cooks and cleans. But that’s okay. That’s what children need. My daughter went to the same school as Princess Charlotte in London. I would see Princess Kate drive her children around. I would never see a nanny with them. She would pick up Charlotte and then take the kids to the park in the evening. Samaya and Charlotte would play. Children don’t really care whether you’re a princess or a queen or a superstar or an actor. They just want a mother who’s going to organise play dates for them, give them great food, and be there at all times, letting go of ego. But, of course, there have to be some boundaries. My boundaries are that you should always be kind, respectful and safe. Samaya knows that she has to respect her mom and that she should not speak rudely or harshly. But I cannot get her to wear what I think is right. And, she’s a daredevil. She likes things which are fast and furious. She loves skating and swimming. Once she is a teenager, it’ll be much tougher, so I am gearing up.
The incidence of depression and anxiety among children has been rising. How do we tackle this?
The simplest cure would be to return to innocence, become farmers and lead a very basic life, but that’s not doable. What we can do is to simplify our life. Keep children away from technology as much as possible; make them spend time with nature. You will see the difference in 24 hours. We should find green spots nearby and plan picnics with our kids. Nature heals, and even parents will start to feel great because we are living under stress. We are making more money but it’s still not enough because we have other friends who are making even more. Our children are capturing and magnifying the stress and emotions we go through.
Should children meditate?
It’s so sad that people in the West are meditating more than Indians. We simply ring the temple bell, say ‘bhagwanji mujhe ye de do’ and off we go. Meditation helps one have a beautiful relationship with oneself and it can help kids deal with bullying, failure and low self-esteem. But you also have to tell them the science behind meditation — tell them that our brain thinks in pictures and that the pictures that you see come true. If taught correctly, they will be addicted. Samaya meditates every day. Recently, she said, “Mommy, this friend is not nice to me, so I am going to meditate that she is nice to me.” So, you see, she is using mind power. I think that’s brilliant. That’s an anchor for life that she has.
How does one teach kids to meditate?
Meditation is not just done with closed eyes. It is really about reflecting on one’s day. Spend time with the child just before they’re sleeping and ask them about how their day went. Usually, we tend to focus on everything that went wrong. That’s the vibe these days. So, for example, when Samaya has told me about her day, I ask her to replay the day and focus on what went right. She would struggle and think and say, “Oh yes, we got to the bus on time. We walked and we did not feel tired. There was that stranger who smiled at me…” We teach the child to focus on what’s positive. Now, we can ask the child to think of someone or something that makes them really happy. It could be a puppy. It could be flowers. It could be dad’s hug. Now, we can say, close your eyes and imagine the flower. Can you hear it, touch it, smell it? If she says yes, mommy, I can, there you go. Now your child is introduced to that idea. And then you can go deeper and tell her that we can meditate about things that have happened which make us happy. We can also meditate about things that we want in our life.
Is your husband a hands-on dad?
He is a very calm and encouraging father. He would love to believe he’s a hands-on dad, but he is quite busy. I have to remind him sometimes. I lovingly say, “It would be nice if you take Lucky (their pet dog) for a walk” or “It would be nice if you clear up the kitchen.” I never act like he better do this, because marriage is really all about expressing oneself with love and respect. The beauty of our partnership is that we both respect each other deeply. The greatest thing you could do for your child is to love and respect your spouse. A child always thinks of himself as half of mommy and half of daddy. So when you bring down your spouse, the child takes it personally.
You dealt with Bell’s Palsy and came out stronger. How can parents teach their children to face challenges?
We protect our children too much. Let them suffer. If your child is going through hardships in school, when they do not win an award, it is absolutely fine. That is a beautiful space for them to really understand resilience because the fire in the belly only comes when you’ve been through failure and suffering. And that fire in the belly is so important. We have privileged kids these days. When I was growing, I only saw my parents struggle and suffer and that really made me want to do so much more. Kids will also learn resilience by seeing your resilience. They will learn to be brave, if you are brave.
I’m very grateful for my facial paralysis. People may think it was such a breakdown in my life, but I look at it as a breakthrough. Most downfalls in your life are your breakthroughs. We tend to look at suffering in a very dramatic, negative way. But if you teach kids young, they see it differently. They will then look at suffering as miraculous mistakes and will never forget the lessons. Let them go through the tough times. For example, if somebody who’s older is being rough with Samaya, I tell her to go and talk to him or her and address it. I don’t go to that child and say, “Excuse me, did you say that to my daughter?” Be their silent supporter, give them the tools and let them fight their own battles.
What life lessons are you trying to teach Samaya?
I always tell her to use her talent at every step of the way to uplift others. My relatives laugh and say, “Do you want her to be Gandhi at the age of eight?” I say, “Yes, because intention will give you the results.” I believe you are not going to be happy with all the awards and accolades, but you’ll be really happy when you have a community where you’re uplifting others. As of now, Samaya is into plogging to clean trash from the streets (She was called by the House of Lords to speak about plogging).
Blurbs:
While picking up Samaya, I would see Princess Kate come to the school to pick up Charlotte and take the kids to the park. Children don’t care if you’re a princess or superstar. They just want a mother
We protect our children too much. Let them suffer through the tough times. The fire in the belly only comes when you’ve been through failure
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