Let’s take a deeper dive into the transition to motherhood in this, the fourth post in a series on this subject.
In the introduction to her book Matrescence, Lucy Jones says, “Pregnancy, then birth, and then—big time—early motherhood, simply did not match up with the cultural, social, and philosophical narratives I had grown up with… I started to realize that that my mind had been colonized by inadequate ideas about womanhood, about motherhood, about value, even love… A sense that had been fundamentally misinformed about the female body and maternal experience set in fast” (p. 9, 10).
She describes how, during her pregnancy, she noticed changes in herself which she had no language to describe—but she noticed that her “consciousness felt different: restructured or rewired” (p. 10).
She writes, “I thought the baby would grow inside my body…that I would still be the same person. But that didn’t seem to be the case” (p. 10).
I think that many, if not most, women feel all of these things. But do they have the language to speak about them? More, do they feel permitted to speak about them?
I suspect not.
Jones talks about how ill-prepared she was for motherhood—how she had never changed a diaper and knew nothing about what it took to raise and take care of another human.
I think many women feel this way, especially with their first babies.
Jones writes about her guilt if she tried to do anything just for herself during those first months of motherhood.
She also writes about the idea that women are supposed to have a built-in maternal instinct, and how this works against the acknowledgement that motherhood absolutely requires the acquisition of knowledge and skills about babies, children, and mothering.
In saying this, I think Jones puts her finger squarely on the shame and embarrassment many mothers feel when they don’t know what the right thing is for their baby—be it something as simple as whether to put them down for a nap or something as complex and important as when to call the pediatrician.
As she writes, “This is a set up in which mothers (are) destined to fail” (p. 11).
She adds, “I thought early motherhood would be gentle, beatific, pacific, tranquil, bathed in a soft light. But actually it was hard-core, edgy, gnarly” (p. 14).
Finally, we have someone who tells the truth about motherhood.
We have needed a Lucy Jones for a long time.
Women feel that they are not allowed to talk about the utter fatigue, boredom, tedium, panic, and downright hardship of childcare. Yes, the difficulty of juggling work and child care is talked about. And the under-valuation of parenting work is mentioned now and then. But as a society? We do not have much of a discussion around many of these issues—and we certainly have not made changing any of them a priority—in our own minds, with our partners and friends, or at the ballot box.
There is still pressure to put on a good face as a mother, to treat the work we do as joyous, and to present that point of view to anyone other than our closest and most trusted friends and fellow parents.
Jones calls this “cultural apathy”. She says that many women feel that they themselves are to blame for the extent of their troubles as new mothers. However, the fact is that a majority of women feel anxious after having a baby. At least 45 percent report feeling low, and at least 35 percent describe themselves as depressed. One in five mothers do not tell anyone about their feelings and over half report not feeling supported by their families. Almost half say they feel like they have to handle everything alone.
But there is hope. Jones writes about a burgeoning area of study in neurobiology that looks at the changes in the brains of pregnant women and those who care for young infants. She quotes Alexandra Sacks, a psychiatrist interested in this subject, as saying that simply by talking about the difficulties inherent in transitioning to motherhood, many women will feel relief.
This is why, Jones says, she wrote her book: as an invitation to start talking about the process of becoming and being a mother.
And this is why I am writing this series.
Stay tuned for more.
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